Thursday, October 29, 2020

A Little Milestone to Share

I don't know why this is so important to me right now, but I have been thinking a lot about my mental illness and how I have been seeing positive changes in how I deal with it on a daily basis. I have said many times that I don't suffer from mental illness, I live with it. What I have found is that by changing my perspective I have been able to navigate past obstacles previously debilitating.

I have, at times, extreme social anxiety. My normal is a 1 to 2 these days. Sometimes situations will cause it to spike. When that happens it intensifies the noise in my head, I become paranoid and believe people are judging me, hate me and wish me dead. At this point one voice will point out these thoughts from other people. One situation is shopping. How I have navigated this in the past is to bring someone with me. I don't want that for the rest of my life. This week I did a couple test runs. They were just  runs, by myself, no safety net folks, to the hardware store and Dollar General. Both trips were successful. I maintained my normal. I even had a quick conversation with the cashier at Dollar General. 

I haven't been able to do that in a year and a half. I've done it before, but never that easy. What is happening to me?

I feel a sense of accomplishment, and progress. PMA saves the day.

Maybe that's why it's so important to me right now. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2020

Do You Remember...

The other night we had a guest stay over. We are around the same age, have similar backgrounds, so we had plenty to talk about. Somehow we got on to remember when topics. There were a lot of them, but one sticks out. Remember when cops did cool things like have you follow their taillights because you were obviously drunk and underage? Ok, maybe that's a bad example.

Here's one. Back in the mid 80s I owned a 72 Nova SS. On the outside the car was a shoebox of rust and faded paint. It was pretty much stock everything. But it was fast, and people can't see the rust when you whiz by. That was a problem for me at times. One time I was driving home from a friends. It was late, after midnight. I'm driving on Boston rd at maybe 85. It was hard to tell because the speedo needle bounced at higher speeds. Lucky for me there was a cop at the bottom of the hill to tell me. Fuck!

I had the plates of my old Pontiac on this car.

I didn't have insurance.

I dont have bail money.

The lights went on before I got to him. I pulled over. I got out of the car because back then it wasn't a big deal. I asked how fast he clocked me. 83. Then he asks me to pop the hood.

I see where it was going quickly and go full on gearhead with this cop. We talk about cars for a good bit. He tells me about his first car and lamenting that he has a station wagon now, but its fast off the line. As we part ways he tells me to slow down. I tell him I will. I lied. He knew it.


I shared that story and another story that involved a fat cop who I would see every morning at Dunkins eating a jelly donut and drinking black coffee. He was a slob. But he was a nice guy. He'd always greet me the same way, in his thick Massachusetts accent, "Kevin, how in the hell ah ya?"

"Been better, you know?"

"That's good, son."

I had a habit of giving cops false names back then. I still will in the right situation. That situation is on a need to know basis, and sometimes they don't need to know. This guy was an idiot, but he was a pleasant enough person.

These days I don't see that interaction. Nowadays our interactions are tense from the beginning. Both sides sizing each other up. Both sides expecting the worst. In general, that's a really fucked up way for people to first meet. Imagine if every interaction we had, with cashiers, the post office clerk, the drive thru speaker at an In and Out Burger, was adversarial from the start.

It would suck. Clearly we can agree on that. Maybe not. Some people are assholes. Most aren't though.



Right here I want to say that this isn't us, we can do better. I'm hesitant. Can we? I mean, look at history. If precedent dictates the future, we're fucked, folks.

Ok, I feel I need to apologize for the following quote only because I really do beat the bag out of it. But it's timeless advice.

"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."


Kurt Vonnegut

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