Life, Right?

Man, life can change in an instant. We all know that the only guarantee is uncertainty. Those changes are more often than not a device of our own making. In my case years of bad eating, periods of heavy drinking and drug use, and beating my body up physically through work and this notion that I am a stuntman, have caught up to me. My general state of anxiety over the years has also contributed to my current condition. 

On Monday I had a heart attack. In spite of that, the prognosis is good as long as I make some life style changes. I have hit that road running. I am currently quitting smoking, only had 2 cigarettes yesterday, none today. It's remarkably easier to do given the circumstances. Drinking is easy to give up. I rarely drink these days. The only drugs I take are prescriptions.

Right now I am trying not to stress, leaning on the universe to worry about what's coming up. To be closer to the hospital my girlfriend and I are staying in a hotel less than a mile from the hospital. I am going to San Diego sometime next week for angioplasty. Another plus to this is that I got a referral for behavioral health to get back to med maintenance and therapy. I have been off meds since last March or April. I am sure that has had a part in it also. 

So yeah, I'm making some lifestyle changes. Living in the Slabs I am at best 30 minutes away from the hospital. Living off grid with my current set up is not the healthiest right now. I have enough cognition to understand I need to make changes in order to milk senior discounts for decades.

I set up a gofundme to help with expenses. If you don't want to go through GoFundMe, my PayPal email is chuckscot@gmail.com. cash app chuckscot65.

Please feel free to share this. If you can help us that would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank YOU!!!

https://gofund.me/d44ead76

Some of my Delusions

I've been keeping a secret. This secret is nothing new, and quite possibly it isn't a secret to anyone else but me. So here it is, me coming clean, being transparent...yada, blah, blah.

For the last few months I have been battling delusional thoughts. Normally they are light, a passing thought that I easily discount for what it is...a manifestation of my brain. There are times, however, that I find myself believing, or at least partially believing what is going on in my head. 

Right now I'm not believing shit. That can change in an instant from a ringing phone or a letter from the VA. 

My delusions are primarily conspiratorial in nature, with the government (mainly the VA) as the trigger. When everything is going scorched earth in my head it is hard to convince me that it's not true. It affects all aspects of my life. I intentionally isolate, not wanting to argue the point with the sane. In the event I am in a group I try to remain silent while fighting carnies in the carnival of my mind. At times, even recently, I have a disabling thought that the VA wants to harvest my organs, or steal my thoughts through a thought transmitter in my right ear. That last one scares me often. 

The last few months I have been in the middle of a battle between truth and delusion. I have made appointments with the VA only to cancel on the day of because there is no way I am putting the phone to my ear because the mere idea of a phone call triggers all this mess. 

Like I said, it affects all aspects of my life. A simple trip to Walmart can turn into an episode just by seeing an active duty soldier in uniform shopping. 

As a result I have not been med compliant, or active in therapy. I have been self medicating with weed and occasionally alcohol. The weed helps my anxiety. The alcohol takes the edge off a bit, but I always feel like crap the next day, so it is a rarity. 

Through it all I have managed to work through the episodes with CBT, breathing exercises, and others around me keeping me grounded. A friend suggested that I go to behavioral health locally instead of the VA. I'll make an appointment after much procrastination on my part and encouragement from my friends. I know I need to do this. It will happen.

I need a break from this. 

Offense Never Leaves a Comfy Chair

Homicidal thoughts

are easily summoned

at the sight 

of injustice

Homicidal action

is left to

those that will

lose nothing