Some of my Delusions

I've been keeping a secret. This secret is nothing new, and quite possibly it isn't a secret to anyone else but me. So here it is, me coming clean, being transparent...yada, blah, blah.

For the last few months I have been battling delusional thoughts. Normally they are light, a passing thought that I easily discount for what it is...a manifestation of my brain. There are times, however, that I find myself believing, or at least partially believing what is going on in my head. 

Right now I'm not believing shit. That can change in an instant from a ringing phone or a letter from the VA. 

My delusions are primarily conspiratorial in nature, with the government (mainly the VA) as the trigger. When everything is going scorched earth in my head it is hard to convince me that it's not true. It affects all aspects of my life. I intentionally isolate, not wanting to argue the point with the sane. In the event I am in a group I try to remain silent while fighting carnies in the carnival of my mind. At times, even recently, I have a disabling thought that the VA wants to harvest my organs, or steal my thoughts through a thought transmitter in my right ear. That last one scares me often. 

The last few months I have been in the middle of a battle between truth and delusion. I have made appointments with the VA only to cancel on the day of because there is no way I am putting the phone to my ear because the mere idea of a phone call triggers all this mess. 

Like I said, it affects all aspects of my life. A simple trip to Walmart can turn into an episode just by seeing an active duty soldier in uniform shopping. 

As a result I have not been med compliant, or active in therapy. I have been self medicating with weed and occasionally alcohol. The weed helps my anxiety. The alcohol takes the edge off a bit, but I always feel like crap the next day, so it is a rarity. 

Through it all I have managed to work through the episodes with CBT, breathing exercises, and others around me keeping me grounded. A friend suggested that I go to behavioral health locally instead of the VA. I'll make an appointment after much procrastination on my part and encouragement from my friends. I know I need to do this. It will happen.

I need a break from this.